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Monday, January 16th, 2006
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okay.. i've been at job corps for the total of 8 days. how can so many things happen in such a small fucking time frame?
I met a guy who gets me the way jeremy did, and understands how to use that and make me extreamly happy. I met a girl who has redefind how i look at everything in my world. I met a gay man who, i am sure, will be my soul mate for my stay in job corps. I went to a sex club for the first time, and got flogged, first time also (( flogging: whipping with nine tale and not a whip )). and the scary thing? i totally fucking loved it. I was begging for more ever half hour. I road in my first limo on the way home from the sex club, no worries though kiddies, i didn't sleep with anyone there.
I have made these amazing friends who have changed me totally in one short weekend. And i don't mean that i am now bi, my head is shaved, and i'm getting a sex change type thing. No. I mean, all this time i have been hidding myself behind this tough girl stance, and hidding behind my looks, and hidding behind the things i "had" to do.. i never needed too. I let myself be who i am around them, and they are cool with it. They don't mind my cutsy act and talk, they don't mind how i bounce around and smile fucking non-stop. They don't mind that i am truly innocent and don't really get everything that is going on around me the way that i should. They take care of me, and they love me, and i thank god everyday that he gave me this blessing. to be able to be around people who will defend me when someone wrongs me, who will take my hand and hold it tight when the bus shakes and i get really scared with out me having to do it first, who doesn't care that i need to be held after someone says something mean to me, even when i act like it didn't really matter. they get it, they understand, and it's fucking mind blowing...
I'm in love.. with these people, and there isn't anything else like it in the world.
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Friday, December 30th, 2005
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you know how you try sp hard dto do all the right things in your live, like the right things when it comes to people?. yeah i've been trying so fucking hard to do the right things. not cheat on anyone, no help people to chest, not desire people that i shouldn't desire, be nice and kind, not blow up on people. not act sluttly, or not act like anyone but myself, be true and truthful. smoke when ever i felt like it and drink when i didn't really want to. but.. it all went wrong with this last week.
i'd been doing so fucking good, i'd played the path i'd given myself, and with just 7 short days they went to fucking hell.
the guy i'm pretty sure is going to follow me around for the rest of my life is married. and i fucking want him like i've never wnated anyone, and i have had him, but still want more.
I've fucking went off on everyone that i know, beside christine. about then being stupid, about then getting pregg when they knew better, about then ruining their lifes over a stupid drug called Meth, about then fucking up parts of my life because they couldn't keep their mouth shut, about then just being too nice when they should really be hatting me.
i've havn't been myself for the last four months, because it's easier to hid then it is to let people know that, at any momment, you could really do something fucking stupid. I've lied and cheated and faught for the things i have now, and i'm not proud of it, not regertful, just sad.
i've smoked more then my fare share (up to 3 packs a day woo) though, thats the only things i've kept up with.
in less then 9 days i'm going to san fran for school. and i kind of feel like i know exactly what is going to happen.
everyone in this valley, people that i hold so dare to my person, aren't going to mean anything once that town is done with me.
not Danielle, or Sean, or John, not my parents, or my sister and brothers. but i guess thats the why it has to happen, that you have to give up things to get anywhere you want to go.
but i prey to God that i don't lose those people. Dani and Sean have already made plans to come and see me alot next year, but... who knows if that will ever really happen.
i suck at life.
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Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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i was watching Chasing Liberty last night, waitting for garden state to come on. they got to the part where mandy more goes to the love perade. by that time i was half asleep, but the music in the background woke me totally. they were playing the song from Rez, this fucking bad ass game i used to play with jer on dreamcast. lol made me all happy. thats all. night.
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Friday, December 16th, 2005
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so san fran is it.
i talked to chris, dani, and jer about it and they all pretty much said the same thing. My dad was the winning person though. he kept saying that there was no way that i would be able to live in san fran unless i was making 200 thousand a year or married a doctor, and i said "so basically you are aying: this is my only chance to live there?" hehe. he lost that battle quick.
so yeah, me and chris and dani are already planning for our 21st b-days. Mine and chris's is in aug and dani's is sept so i'm get them to come the san fran and we can go to the gay bars or something.
okay thats all i really want to say. i don't know if i'm going to very open in the contact way, but i can get letters for sure so whoever whats that address, e-mail or call me and i'll get it for you. night.
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Monday, December 12th, 2005
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okay lisa, my center addim, called this morning and told me that the center in san fran wants me, like now. they need to fill spots or somthing so i am for sure going the second week of jan instead of having to wait untill the one in idaho calls. my dad says that i should wait for the one in idaho because we know that center, we've been there and i know the people.
i think i'm going to go to the san fran one though becuase it's a big city. and i reallly need to get back to cal here soon. i'm tired of having to explain my self to everyone, like i say something, people look at me weird, i say i'm from so cal, and they all do that "ohhhhhhh" thing.. no joke.. it's not cool.
anyway, lol... i'm going back to san fran hehe. thats where they hold yaoi-con, and i need some new gay friends, i havn't meet a single one sense i came here and i'm going out of my mind because of it... yeah.
sooo, i think i'ma drop jason, not drop him drop him, because we weren't dating, but i think i'm going to stop talking to him for a little bit, because he makes me really sad lol.
sean asked me to go to the rogue river with him a sme of his friends christmas eve, like a bone fire type thing. i like the fucking bone fires out here, i love the whole cowboy thing he and all his friends have going. soo i am probably going to do that and i need to get drunk heh.
thats all, bye.
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Saturday, December 10th, 2005
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okay. sooo i met a guy named jason, yes another J guy. and i'm starting to get really pissed off.
how come every single guy that i meet here that i end up liking a crap load only wants to be my friend or a fuck buddy? it's like i'm not good enough to date but i'm totally good enough to fuck?. bullshit.
but i reallllllllly like jason. like okay he's tall buff and shy. not usually the way i like guys but.. my tastes have totally changed cuz of this guy. every chubby guy i see i get turned off now. totally weird.
i just really hate whats going on with him because i know it's not going to go anywhere at all, and i really like him, and he's so fucking sweet and ..blah.
maybe i can still get rae to marry me lol.. yeah right.
anyway, i need a cigz, so bye.
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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
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been packing up my things, cleaning out my car, and stuff like that. it's weird the stuff you find you know?
found a few of jeremy's lego's in my back seat and trunk, and his scared marble in the purse norma gave me. found christine's phone holder and belly buttom ring. found a bunch of dani's clothes. found john's books. found james's can of energy drink he gave me but forgot to drink. found kevin's cd's. found a few unopened birthday cards in my back seat also, that i didn't even know i had. I guess someone thought it was funny to put them in there and never tell me... this person must not know me to well, how many times do i clean out my car? 4 in the last year.... and not sense christine was here in august. soo yeah they are slow.
but anyway, i'm doing better then i was i guess, not so depressed anymore, and i'm smoking just under a pack a day now, instead of close to three.
will keeps taking me to chruch with him. and i mean yay woo god and all... but i dont think i want to go with him anymore, because he makes me feel weird. and there are alot of other things that go along with that, but i don't want to say anything bad about his church or about his friends. they are all nice, the place is nice, the thought is nice.. but not for me.
been talking to my old friend from middle school, Bradon. even though the last time i say him was when i was still a frosh, and the last time i talked to him before moving to Orgi-gon was on my 18th bday, it does't feel like any time has past. he thinks it funny i've turned into a sex frend. well thats what he calls it, not what i call it.
but specking of sex.... okay is it weird that six hours of fore-play makes me want to be celebent?
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Monday, November 7th, 2005
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so me and dad went to idaho for the weekend.
and after visiting the center, and seeing where i'm suppose to live for the next two or so years, i'm kinda getting into it. I won't mind being out there in the middle of no where for a while. and downtown boise if like heaven to me. I havn't seen a downtown like that sense Jeremy and me went to that san diego mall. it was full of really high office buildings and hotels. coffee shops on every other corner. and a bagel shop... i didn't know they were still around.
so yeah i think i might be able to do it.
the other day, when i was feeling extreamly depressed, i asked rae to take all the bad in my life away. he asked me what was wrong, so i told him, and he told me what i should do. he pretty much didn't say anything that i didn't already know, but coming from him, another human being, i figured i should just suck it up and get it over with. and this weekend i did. and already the ball is rolling back to where it should be. so he pretty much did what i wanted, he made it go away. He makes me want to marry him more and more each day.
i talked to another person that day, who will remain nameless, and they asked me if i was still writing. i said i didn't really have the will to do it anymore. and he said "you make your own will". that night i sat down and started to write. and i didn't stop till dad and i left for boise. and it's like three words from being finished... and i actually like it.
so thank you nameless person, your "selfishness" did more for me then you might have thought...
nighty night guys.
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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
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..do you know how cold it is outside? 37 degrees.
i'm in my room, smoking a cigz, i finish it and continue on typing away when i notice my breath.
IT'S SO COLD I CAN SEE MY FUCKING BREATH. IN MY ROOM!!
... so i come inside the house where it is nice and warm and everyone is in their comfy coze warm beds... and i get the fucking couch.
i want another cigz.
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Thursday, October 27th, 2005
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so.. i'll be off to center soon. in idaho.
and when i get out, they are moving me to venice beach, ca, i think.
i'm doing pretty good i guess..
still don't know where john is, and i'm kinda scared that i'll never see him again.
james freaked out on me and my like of men that take control.. or something like that.
met a buncha new ppl today, it was really cool. they are just this big group of ppl that all hang out all the time, and they totally welcomed me into their funn... i'm not sure i'll be hanging with them again though. they are all very much into their church and the only time i really go to church is when i go to the one near city center. and thats a catholic church, where i mainly go to write gay porn.. or something equally as bad. sooo i felt kinda out of place, cuz they were all doing their home work for bible college... yeah
i'm doing good with my no sex thing sense the preggy scare. that wasn't the scarest time of my life, but it was damn near close. stupid boys..
sooo yeah.. going to center and thats all that really matters right now i guess.
umm.. okay gotta go now, i have meeting in the morning to finish some paper work.
bye.
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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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okay.
it's been about a month sense i've bitched. soo i'm going to now.
skip this if you don't like to hear me whine.
for the last 3 weeks i've had to deal with not one shitty job, but two, at the fucking same time.
my boss at one job plans fucking everything on me, like i'll be at break i get back, and instant bitchage.
and at my other, my co-work has a "problem" with me and the way i react to her telling me what to do. which is (( from my point of few )) "Michelle (( yeah she doesn't know my name either )) would you go to womans cloths" me:" :: groan ::.. i guessss :: laughs/goes and does womans clothes ::".....
from hers: "Michelle, go do womans cloths. " me:" OMG! :: cries :: i don't wanna! don't make me! OMFG! you hate me!"...and i'm not exatrating. thats why she told my boss. and thats what my boss told me that she said. and really i had no idea how to react to that so i pretty much said: "thats a lie, but i don't expect you to believe me over her, so why don't you get the the fuck away from her, before i punch her ugly man face and get arrested?". so they moved to to hard lines. ...woo
Kya has been sick, and all she does is fucking cry, and no one wants to deal with her. so like 3 or 4 times a week, my mother will bring kya to my room for me to watch her, so she can have a break. really, thats not a problem, i love kya, and yeah watching his is usually funn..
it's the fact that i get all of 4 hours of sleep at day, cuz of the whole two job thing, and she fucking wakes me up to watch her. i get pissed, say "i have to be to work in 2 hours, i just got home half an hour ago, coudln't you have let me sleep a little longer?" and she tells me i'm being selfish. ... cuz she does soooooo fucking much through out the day. dude, i'm not saying watching a lkid full time isn't hard, but seriously, i'm on my feet 16 hours a day, doing hard fucking labor. i need some sleep or i'll die. fact.
I think shes doing it cuz she doesn't want me moving to FL... but it's kinda just pushing me to want to be there more. sooooo back fire momma.
okay fuck this, i'm already tired of bitching. i need to sleep, but i won't be able to. like fucking always.
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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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okkay.. you ppl suck. plan and simple, and i totally hate you for it.
i have three extreamly good friend in medford, three friend that i love dearly and totally. but instead for being like "i'm so happy that you are finally able to go out and have fun and be your own person and write and have gerbils and possable be able to go to the beach every fucking day of the week, instead of driving 45 mins to a fucking lake." noo. i get ppl who write christine and say she is stealing me. i get ppl who stop talking to me because i am "leaving then all alone" i get ppl who avoid my calls so that they can feel better, and i ppl who tell me 23456 a day that if i wanted they could come with me....
so you guys suck, and i hate you.
i understand taht you are upset about me leaving and that you wish i wouldn't leave so suddenly, but seriously the way you are acting makes me want to leave that much fucking faster.
I love you guys... but telling me that i'm crazy, and that i'm waisting my time, or that your scared to think about never waking up next to me again? holy shit all i can do i think "get me the fuck outta here". and usually thats not what i would think.
but must i rememind everyone of the jeremy? he pulled all this shit on me last time and i stayed, and i fully regerted it from day one. cuz it's stupid to put the things you want aside for a guy you hardly know. the fact that i was in love is beside the point, cuz yeah love doesn't excite in melissa land, we know that.
look at poor fucking zack, great guy, kinda intence, but stilll totally sweet and caring and beautifull.. and i want to jump out the fucking car everytime he takes me hand, why??? cuuuz i'm incapable of feeling love for another person that wants it. like john, i looooooove john like a friend, but if he were to suddenly fall in love with me i would get scared and run away... namly cuz he is 16 but also cuz real in loveness just sucks and i revuse to put myself through that again.
i've had my two great loves, and if sex in the city is true at all, then i'm done. which is fine. i have no prob being an old maid. or wahtever we call ppl like me these days.
yeah i know i'm only 20 years old blah blah blah... but if what i felt when jer told me that he never really loved is something i have to look forward to later in live when i'm living with the guy have 3 kids and a couch together.. fuck that. love can sit on it.
sooo there.
you guys suck
annnnnd gerbils, not goonies, are good enough.
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Sunday, September 4th, 2005
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ever like wake up and realize that everything has gone completely wrong?...
i have to get out of medford now.. before i kill myself again.
soo.. whats up chris? how you doing??? still wanna have my baby?
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Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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sooo.. i've kinda felt i was dieing for the last few days.
zach and i thought it would be a good idea for me to go on birth control... .. yeah.
i've heard storys from other ppl, like the way the feel about it and such... no one fucking worned me about this shit okay!. seriously i want to kill myself.
monday: start BC.... had massive cramps so bad i wanted to rib out my own reprotuctive system. .. while almost crying about every little misstake i made.
monday night/tuesday morning: on going dream of an orgy in a lime green room...
tuesday: hung out with dani and john... i thought i was going to be sick everytime i took a step, my cramps where so bad.
tuesday night/wednesday morning: mooore pron like dreams.
wednesday: decided that i reallly don't need to leave the house. then came this close to breaking up with zach over the fact that he don't know anything about music.. i'm dead fucking serious. i like started to get all teary eyed and everything.. i'm such a fucking girl.
wednesday night/thursday morning: ... i had a sex dream about dane cook.. and myself.. i won't go into details.. but that was the scariest sex ever..
and i've decided again.. not to leave the house today. thank god the cramps have fucking stopped. i feel more like myself but yeah.. that can just be from the fact that i've been listening to country and jason mraz all day.. yeah.. stupid sex drive.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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i got a zach now. a non j guy and ..well.. pretty much everything i've ever really wanted in a guy. only prob. he's in portland, i'm in medford.
like, he's tall: 6'2", very big plus cuz i like guys who tower over me.
he's chubby: his the right amount to where he isn't skinny and he isn't fat, and i love the chub. plus if he wanted he could buff out to fucking easy.
he has no prob taking control of things. and he knows when to not push me, and when to push me, annd to do it in a way that i don't recent him for it.
he tells me when i'm cute, or i do something he likes, and i feel uncomtorable enough with it to be turned on by it lol.
i don't know.. it's totally fucking crazy. just he came out of fucking no where, and boom, it's perfect.
which kinda scares me, cuz when things are perfect that easy, they lead to things getting hard fast, but i no kniow, it's really great right now.
i went out and saw him monday and tuesday, and that was really fun. i wish he wasn't so far awa, but 270 miles isn't that bad. plus i'm not the only that will be paying for the gas and such, so it makes it all okay.
some bad news, weldon's cleaners doesn't have enough work to go around soo i was laid off. and my boss didn't even tell anyone, just one day i'm no longer there lol. and when i went to go get my check everyone was like "melissa!! where the hell have you been".. so yeah..
and stupid fucking employment won't fucking give me my damned money cuz i havn't lived in OR for a full year (( off by one mother fucking MONTH! )) and cali won't fund it cuz i've been living in OR for fucking 11 months..... bastards.
but lucky for me i can going into my CNA program now and not worry about missing work cuz of it. and i found a place that will fund me for it, while i work for their company. soo hopfully i'll get that job, and that would mother fucking rule. cuz caregiver, to cna, to rn.. yeah they make a crap load of money.
so yeah blah blah blah.
fuck the weldons.
.. gerbil
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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i've gotten no sleep in the last few days.
way to many things going on.
work segch changed, once again. trying to pay back all the money i owe in one lump some is bad.
dani moved also so it really hard to get ahold of her, short of driving allllll the way to white city to her house... and i'm kinda lazy lol.
john is my side kick!. it's awesome, we have no idea what he does yet though. lol.
went on a date tonight.. yeah... i'm not really sure how it went.... yeaaah.
RAE!. lol i spoke to rae today. it was a normal convo like we always have, made me feel a little more set into things lol. it's weird but he's alwys been able to make me feel so much better no matter what.
and he sent me pics!.
i've known him for well over a year and a half andd i am just now getting my first pics of him. and he's hott, just like i knew he would be lol. we are making plans for him to come here next year sometime, cuz he wants to try coldstone. lol yeah, anyway
bed time, hopfully i'll be able to sleep for longer then three hours before my alarm wakes me up and yeah.... work is starting to suck again.
night.
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Saturday, August 13th, 2005
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getting second job here soon.
i need to move out too, my mother keeps hinting that i need to move on with me life. and i'm not realllllly sure what she means by it. soo i'ma take it as a "i'm cool with you leaving home now"... FINALLY! only reason i'm still here was because she asked me to stay, so woo go me and new appartment hunting lol.
um. i am turly, for once, laying off the guy hunt. cuz.. i'm bored with it i guess. and maybe if i let everything cool of for a while, someone cool will come to me lol. wishfull thinking is so fucking awesome.
so yeah.
thats about all really. new job, new house, no new boy, annd um oh i'm getting a hair cut.. in a few mins really and yeah lol i'm hot lol.
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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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not the best pics of us, but i don't give a shit. my b-day ruled, thanks for being there baby.
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